First, when we talk about a "difficult" or "crucial" conversation, we are referring to the fact that it will be punctuated by strong emotions. Meeting with a colleague to talk about some of his or her annoying work habits, arranging a meeting with your boss about a reorganization of tasks or a salary increase... There are many topics that can create some form of tension and drift in a direction that was not intended in the first place. Difficult conversations include two other ingredients:
- opposing views of the situation
- high stakes for both parties.
With all of these ingredients, it's no wonder that this type of conversation often goes off the rails!
How to identify the warning signs of a difficult conversation
The signs of a difficult conversation are sometimes quite tangible and explicit: the tone rises, the non-verbal is particularly expressive (your interlocutor avoids your gaze, has mimics of annoyance, etc.), the other shows a marked lack of listening, tends to blame his colleague or shows excessive reactions to a comment or criticism, etc. In his book "The 7 Habits of Successful People", author and researcher Steven Covey explains that a stimulus necessarily generates a response in living beings. However, humans add a dimension between the stimulus and the response: this dimension (however brief) leaves room for free will, for the ability to make a "choice" where we interpret the story and the reactions of the other according to our own story. In other words, there is a big difference between our perception of things, what the other person is saying and the actual facts. It is up to us to take a (micro) time to refine our choice of reaction.
How to get out of a difficult situation
Self-monitoring
In order to quickly unravel a difficult discussion where there is an impasse in an exchange, it is very useful to use certain principles of what is called metacognition. Metacognition is about reflecting on your own mental processes, i.e. "thinking about your own thoughts". Ask yourself questions like: What is my behavior, right now? Am I able to identify objective facts? How do I feel? What is my intention in this discussion? These simple questions will help you refocus if necessary, keep your tone calm and stick to the facts. The other person will feel this sincerity.
Naming the discomfort
Another interesting solution is to name the discomfort you are experiencing at the moment, simply by sticking to the facts and what you personally feel. Avoid sentence starters such as "You do this, you don't do that", but instead keep the spotlight on you: "When I learned what my new duties would be, I felt left out or unappreciated", for example. This will create a clear basis for discussion and avoid unnecessary finger-pointing.
Listen with empathy
This element can sometimes be difficult to practice when the stakes are high and everyone's emotional level is high. However, try as much as possible to maintain a higher level of listening, to respect the other person's time and to empathize with that person as much as possible. If the situation is tense and difficult for you, it is equally so for the person in front of you. Be forgiving and ensure that a healthy climate is maintained in the discussion.
Re-establish a safe environment
Sometimes apologizing sincerely for inappropriate words or actions is the best way to get the discussion started. Apologizing can sometimes be a challenge, but it is often a very effective way to defuse a tense situation. Acknowledging your wrongdoing will potentially put the other person at ease and start the conversation on a better footing.
Stick to the facts
Avoid generalizations or attacks that may lead nowhere. Try to stick to "your" story, your personal perceptions and feelings. Invite the other person to do the same, as sticking to the facts is a simple and effective way to reconcile your opposing views or to understand the feelings you both may have.
Conclusion
Tackling a difficult discussion where the stakes are sometimes high is no small task. It is recommended that you remain confident in your speech and pay particular attention to the tone you use when speaking. The tone you use will have a certain weight in the information received and perceived by your interlocutor. You will come out a winner and truly liberated! The next time you have a conversation like this, remember these simple tips to put into practice. Good thinking!
For more information:
Difficult Conversations: Leading Conversations with Confidence
